January 2012
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December 2011
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November 2011
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October 2011
11 posts
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MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 10/10/11
It’s never too early to start thinking about car burial.
Eventually your car is going to get old. It’s going to break down or refuse to let you shift out of reverse. You may simply just wish to stop driving, give up your job and forfeit your place in society altogether. You’ll need to do something with the 2,000lbs+ box of steel and plastic you’ve called friend all these years. You must return...
1 tag
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 10/04/11
Early October, a gentle crisp in the air, it’s that magic time of year when the washing machines grow restless. Clothes washing machines. Big, white, inefficient metal boxes that live in your basement or out behind the garage. You may enjoy kicking them.
Their white enamel coats starting to brown with rust, the washing machines gather in yards and alleys. With no outward sign or signal, the...
NOBODY KNOWS HOW IT WORKS
In the back yard sits a solid, 1.5′ cube of cement. It was here when I moved in and will be there when I move out. (I don’t like to touch cement, the texture reminds me of dry chicken salad.)
At the end of the week, sitting next to the cube of cement is a delicious, freshly-baked fruit pie. Sometimes a biscuit tray. Never any sauces, nor are any desired.
Neighbors suspected an elf family lived...
September 2011
12 posts
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/30/11
“I’m calling about the Halloween Magic Show,” the voice in the phone said. “It sounds like a great time.”
It was our Mayor, Mayor Williamson, waking me up at 4:30 this morning with his grating excitement.
“Are there gonna be spiders? I like spiders.”
“Mayor, I’m not having a Halloween Magic Show.”
“When we’re done will I be magic? I want to cast magic spells on people, but only if I know...
NIGHTCAP 09/29/11
V sleeps out on the driveway, under the car, all the way through December 23. His body heat keeps the car warm. Makes it easier to start and his breathing scares off rodents looking to eat tire rubber.
It’s not clear, though, why V chooses to lay face down when under the car. His skin is sensitive and the cement is unforgiving.
“Leave me alone,” explains V.
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/29/11
Deciding which candy-flavored shell coating to be dipped into, head-to-toe, while screaming, can be difficult. Do you wish to be sweet tasting all over? Do you want bugs and feathers and gravel to stick to your every surface in a magnetic fashion? Do you want simply not to feel as though you are burning in liquid green flame during your final 15 minutes on earth?
There’s a lot to consider.
Not...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/27/11
With Autumn underway and the harvests wrapping up it’s time once again to take stock of local vegetable gigantism. I’m talking a really in-depth look at obscene vegetable growth. Enormous tomatoes, giant pumpkins, exceptionally heavy peas, that sort of thing. Backyard garden deformities are on the rise here and for reasons you wouldn’t readily expect.
Our investigation won’t focus on the...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/21/11
A man named Erick who lives in the area, has been gifted with the cruel ability to see narrowly into the future. It’s nothing useful. He can’t predict natural disasters, nor can he prevent accidents or win the lottery. He also can’t foresee costly dental work as his teeth are green. Rain forest green. They look and smell like toenails.
Anyway I digress. Old Erick cannot see very well into the...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/20/11
The phrase “Barrel Full of Bull Frogs” is suffering due to overuse. CNN and FOX News are the worst offenders, with the Times and Post not far behind. Attached to everything from the struggles in Libya to a recent Papal visit, the phrase runs the risk of losing its connection to reality.
Specifically, my local social club/charity/old men’s organization primary method of service is literally...
WAD CITY: Sellout →
wadcity:
Since I graduated from college, I have never worked in the real world. Non-profits and universities, that’s it. I increasingly interface in my policy research role with corporate types, and it’s always a struggle. The worst are industry-focused conferences, which are full of white dudes with…
END OF THE MARCHING BAND
It started with the demonization of tubas. The nation has been in dire straits for 4 years now and the citizenry needed an enemy. The politicians pointed to the heavy, ungainly twists of brass and blamed them for the crisis.
The fancy hats with tall feathers drew the ire of the fundamentalist Christians, concerned that such decoration distracts from scripture study and could lead to tickling.
...
SURPRISE INSPECTION
Turn over the mattresses and place your hands on your forehead. Surprise Inspection. Nobody’s safe.
We’re looking for heretical writings and photographs of unhappy faces. I don’t wanna hear no laughter! I got me a slice of leather and I aim to use it!
Stop sniveling! Your feet are all too small. Nobody gets their medicine today. Get used to the cold.
What’s this? A Book of math equations?...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/19/11
We have to come to terms with the fact that some problems are unsolvable. Despite all our hard work and values, we are powerless to affect them.
Perhaps the worst of these problems is the tendency so many of our ice cream trucks have of spontaneously breaking free of the bounds of gravity and floating up and up until they pop or are swallowed whole by giant birds of the upper atmosphere.
...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 09/01/11
Local state senator and all around family man, Bill “Billy” Bankus is having another of his yearly rallies to promote the adoption of an extra calendar day for August. His “August 32nd” event always draws a large crowd due to voters’ inherent distrust of contemporary calendars and the free potato salad.
Sen. Bankus himself is so buoyed by the event he even takes all of the mothballs out of his...
August 2011
28 posts
NIGHTCAP 08/30/11
Victor Duprix relishes the night. He wastes his entire day testing car door handles for Chrysler Automotive Corporation, and does a good job of it. His heart isn’t in it. Half the time he does the job with his eyes closed so he can enjoy a little bit more of the dark.
Victor lives about a mile northwest of me, over in the Tanglewood district. He’s rented a room mounted on sticks above a...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/29/11
Horatio Fredjeff. Local Prophet. Publishes his own newsletter, released each month, featuring intense, detailed drawings of creatures he sees roaming the streets at night.
There are 45 such creatures detailed in each issue.
Each creature is presented in two views: 3/4 Isometric and Top Down. Accompanying each creature is it’s full Latin Name, it’s common, Michigan-ese name, and two paragraphs...
EVERY DAY EVENT
While discussing recipes with neighbor Robert, his 12 year-old fat dog exploded. Right there in the driveway, without warning. It combusted totally and cleanly with a sharp yelp and minor flash.
Most of the dog’s anatomy was vaporized but some teeth sprinkled down onto Robert’s windshield and part of the tail landed near me.
“Oh let me get that, I’ve got a glove,” Robert said, without missing...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/25/11
As I’m sure you’re aware, The Trial of Jon VanTorre ended in a mistrial when the Judge suffered a near-fatal snake bite shortly before closing arguments. As of this writing, the Judge has yet to regain total control of his wrists and left hand fingers.
A circuit Judge came down the next day and released V on bail and lawyers began debating dates for a new trial sometime next year. Although he...
NIGHTCAP 08/24/11
Since May I’ve been carrying around a small, travel-sized cooler. It’s usually in the car but sometimes I take it into dressing rooms and public washrooms with me.
I don’t keep food or medicine in it. Instead, I use it store and transport valuable stickers. Mostly the shiny kind that display different types of anthropomorphic food when looked at from various angles.
Oh, no I don’t ever open it...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/24/11
THINGS THAT CAN NO LONGER BE SETTLED WITH A NICE, FIRM HANDSHAKE:
Giraffe Theft
Star Trek Poster Defacement
Including 2 Canadian Pennies in the middle of a roll intended for deposit
Unlevel sidewalk blocks
Painting anything besides an American flag on your garage door
Being Born Cross-Eyed
Genocide
NIGHTCAP 08/23/11
Another “Smile at the Infirm Day” wraps up but there’s plenty of work left for the sweeping crew. Each year the city dumps over 400 pounds of confetti during the final half hour of the Smiling and demands that the roads be drivable by morning.
What stood out this year was the deep sincerity of the smilers. Each one of us was truly happy to be there, looking directly at those in our community who...
SMILE AT THE INFIRM DAT, pt.2
The question was asked, “How many infirm are smiled at on a typical Smile at the Infirm Day?”
Blocks and blocks of them. I lost count around 27. For as far as you can see, group homes, nursing centers, rotting pits, and foreclosed apartment complexes all haul out their infirm for a nice, friendly smile. The orderlies, nurses and caregivers line up the infirm real nice and even along the side of...
SMILE AT THE INFIRM DAY, pt.1
Just a midday check in during St Clair Shores’ fifth annual “Smile at the Infirm Day.”
Things are going pretty well. I’ve only experienced minor jaw cramping so far and no sign of the headaches of last year. The low humidity is a big help.
Large police presence this time, which protects both smilers and the infirm.
Sitting down for a nice thick stew lunch.
I’ll file a more detailed report...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/23/11
Another night’s sleep ruined by the ghosts of dead ball players. I told them I can’t help them. That I don’t know what the numbers 13, 24, 57 mean, that I don’t know anybody named “Doc” and that, yes, I know, no one strikes out in heaven.
I DO NOT CARE.
Either deliver my letters to dead bowlers or get out!
END TABLE RODEO
According to your letter, you want to host an End Table Rodeo right here in your very own living room. Here’s what I know:
It’s just like a rodeo you see on TV except instead of cows it utilizes magic spells to bring end tables to life for the purposes of riding them in circles and remorselessly hog-tying them for the pleasure of strangers.
Prizes can include ribbons and candy.
Benefits:...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/22/11
The subject of this morning’s lecture is God’s Mistakes.
We all know He’s made them. It’s time to stop dancing around the issue and have an open discussion on how best to clean up the mess and get on with things.
Luckily, the majority of these mistakes were made in the category of decorating. Most of them came with a receipt that we still have. And most of them can be remedied by simply...
5 tags
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/19/11
The internet is flooded with Experts. It’s very difficult to stand out and be heard unless your subject and approach are alarmingly unique.
Assessing this landscape, I decided to stake my claim on the under-appreciated, Handkerchief Arts. Long thought dead, or outright imaginary, the Handkerchief Arts offer tremendous, unexplored vistas. Little is known about them outside specialty circles...
WatchInteresting Sweat Pattern
1 tag
NIGHTCAP 08/18/11
A few more words on this Count of New Mexico.
The Count’s first name is Alonso. His last name is unknown, intentionally so. A few people over the years have figured it out but it’s useless. He changes his last name every few months and burns all of his mail, both incoming and outgoing.
The Count is a tall man, at least 6′ 5″. He loves cherry ice cream. In fact, he’s got a partial stake in an...
MORNING CONSTITUTIONAL 08/18/11
Charles Schulz made a handsome living drawing pictures of a delusional dog for decades.
I’m hoping to do something similar but instead will be drawing pictures of stomach scars that I immediately burn, then never speak of in public.
WAIT WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?!
NIGHTCAP 08/17/11
There’s a proposal on the table to convert all the local water birds to digital. Proponents say it will increase beauty in their flight patterns and cut down on their energy consumption by 27%.
This reminds me of the big currency switch about a decade ago, when they replaced George Washington on the One Dollar Bill with an All-in-One Fax, Copier, Scanner Printer.
If this goes through, I think...
I Think a Bug Got In Here
A tiny little fly with a full size human head got in here. Holes in the screen that never got repaired. The screen shoppe just totally took advantage of me. They said, “Here comes a sucker. He’s never had a class on screens. We won’t fix shit. We’ll punch more holes in it, then ask for his credit card.”
And of course I gave it to them. I can’t believe it! Turn on the fan!
And now there’s this...
REVERSE CAR WASH
Stop for a moment and consider all the possibilities that title, “Reverse Car Wash,” brings to mind.
Some of you see that sign along the highway and think of clean cars being made dirty. Others imagine a scenario where a car is waxed and dried by hand before being run through the scrubbers and finally having its air freshener removed from the rear view mirror.
One postcard sent in from a...